Life as a Dog − 29 March, 2008
I’ve gotta tell you, people are the strangest animals I’ve ever met. I don’t think they’re very smart, but I’m crazy about them. Today was a beautiful sunny day. I woke up filled with anticipation. I stretched out my long body, wagged my tail, and curled back up while I waited for my people to arise. They’re late sleepers. The sun and the singing animals had been up for hours before one of them stirred.
I hadn’t gotten out much for the last few days -- just in the mornings and evenings for a little while. But this was one of those days when my people stay home. That meant we could go out for a nice long romp in the woods. When my people got up, they took me outside for a few minutes. I just stood there for a moment, soaking in the sun, sniffing the breeze. I nosed around for a while, reading the news of the morning, but then they brought me back inside. I was champing at the bit to get out and see the world. There were a million smells out there, and I wanted to smell all of them!
But do you know what my humans did? They did the same thing they always do. They sat around and tapped their fingers on some flat objects for hours. They seem mesmerized by these objects. I try to be patient, I really do. I’m a polite dog. But I was really itching to get outside. I couldn’t understand why they hadn’t gone outside as soon as they finished eating. But they seemed oblivious. You know, it just isn’t normal. Dogs aren’t like that. None of the cats I’ve met are like that. I can read humans pretty well. But I’ve given up trying to figure out some of their ways!
Finally, the male human got up, stretched, yawned, and grunted. He changed from the skin he was wearing to a different skin. My ears pricked up and my heart leaped with joy. He was going to go outside! I pranced around while he put his shoes on, waiting for him to pick up my leash. But he didn’t pick up my leash. He picked up his sack instead, and left without me. I couldn’t believe it!
So that left the female human. She had been alternately puttering and tapping on her own flat object. I lay down on a pillow nearby, hoping she’d notice and take me out. I had been all but shouting at my people all morning, telling them that the place to be was outside! They just didn’t seem to listen. Maybe they’re just clueless. They’re definitely not very good listeners.
Finally, after many other dogs had paraded by with their people, the female human changed her skin too. Then she looked at me and uttered that magic word, the word that is just for me: “walk”. Finally! What took her so long? But I forgave her instantly. She took me to one of my favorite woods. There are tons of good smells there. It’s nice and muddy, too. I can sink my paws into that good mooshy wet earth. The dampness really brings out the smells. I put my nose to the ground and read all the news. There’d been many other dogs, and the free animals had left plenty of droppings.
OK, the topic of droppings reminds me of another odd thing about humans. They don’t seem to get that when I leave droppings, I want them to stay where I put them. I choose the location pretty carefully. I’d understand if they sniffed my droppings, or rolled in them, but get this -- they actually scoop them up and carry them away! Can you believe it?? It’s the strangest thing! But all the people do it. It’s like they have a fetish, but in the wrong way. I have a fetish for droppings. If I come across cat droppings or the free animals’ droppings, I snatch them right up. They’re a delicacy! But my people throw my droppings in a big can. Don’t they know that when I void, I’m not just leaving droppings; there’s information in that steaming pile! Information about me! How will other animals find out I’ve been there if my droppings are gone??
While we’re on the subject of the weird things human do, I have to say that no dog I’ve ever met likes having her nails clipped. Granted, it’s not the first topic to come up when dogs meet, but once in awhile, a dog will look a little pained as he walks, and I’ll know that he could be smarting from having his nails clipped. When I first came to live with my humans, having my nails clipped scared me shitless because sometimes it hurt!
When my female human calls my name, and has the clippers in hand, I just tuck my tail between my legs and hang my head. My ears droop and my heart thuds in my ribcage with fear. I used to squeal and cry when she clipped my nails. I’d squirm and thrash. At first she tried to coax me with soft sounds, but it didn’t help. I was still terrified! After awhile, she got frustrated with me, and would just throw her strong thigh across me to keep me in place. I’d quiver and bawl until she was finished. She’d always give me a treat at the end, but it was small consolation for such trauma!
I’ve learned to trust my human, though. It took me years. A long time ago, she drew blood. I howled with pain and fear. I think she realized how much it hurt me. She’s been more careful ever since. I think she’s doing it less often, too. But I just don’t get it. She has to know how much I hate it. Why does she still do it? Durned humans! But, still, I love ‘em to death. I’d be heartbroken without them. So sometimes I just heave a big sigh, sink down into my bed, and count my blessings.
I hadn’t gotten out much for the last few days -- just in the mornings and evenings for a little while. But this was one of those days when my people stay home. That meant we could go out for a nice long romp in the woods. When my people got up, they took me outside for a few minutes. I just stood there for a moment, soaking in the sun, sniffing the breeze. I nosed around for a while, reading the news of the morning, but then they brought me back inside. I was champing at the bit to get out and see the world. There were a million smells out there, and I wanted to smell all of them!
But do you know what my humans did? They did the same thing they always do. They sat around and tapped their fingers on some flat objects for hours. They seem mesmerized by these objects. I try to be patient, I really do. I’m a polite dog. But I was really itching to get outside. I couldn’t understand why they hadn’t gone outside as soon as they finished eating. But they seemed oblivious. You know, it just isn’t normal. Dogs aren’t like that. None of the cats I’ve met are like that. I can read humans pretty well. But I’ve given up trying to figure out some of their ways!
Finally, the male human got up, stretched, yawned, and grunted. He changed from the skin he was wearing to a different skin. My ears pricked up and my heart leaped with joy. He was going to go outside! I pranced around while he put his shoes on, waiting for him to pick up my leash. But he didn’t pick up my leash. He picked up his sack instead, and left without me. I couldn’t believe it!
So that left the female human. She had been alternately puttering and tapping on her own flat object. I lay down on a pillow nearby, hoping she’d notice and take me out. I had been all but shouting at my people all morning, telling them that the place to be was outside! They just didn’t seem to listen. Maybe they’re just clueless. They’re definitely not very good listeners.
Finally, after many other dogs had paraded by with their people, the female human changed her skin too. Then she looked at me and uttered that magic word, the word that is just for me: “walk”. Finally! What took her so long? But I forgave her instantly. She took me to one of my favorite woods. There are tons of good smells there. It’s nice and muddy, too. I can sink my paws into that good mooshy wet earth. The dampness really brings out the smells. I put my nose to the ground and read all the news. There’d been many other dogs, and the free animals had left plenty of droppings.
OK, the topic of droppings reminds me of another odd thing about humans. They don’t seem to get that when I leave droppings, I want them to stay where I put them. I choose the location pretty carefully. I’d understand if they sniffed my droppings, or rolled in them, but get this -- they actually scoop them up and carry them away! Can you believe it?? It’s the strangest thing! But all the people do it. It’s like they have a fetish, but in the wrong way. I have a fetish for droppings. If I come across cat droppings or the free animals’ droppings, I snatch them right up. They’re a delicacy! But my people throw my droppings in a big can. Don’t they know that when I void, I’m not just leaving droppings; there’s information in that steaming pile! Information about me! How will other animals find out I’ve been there if my droppings are gone??
While we’re on the subject of the weird things human do, I have to say that no dog I’ve ever met likes having her nails clipped. Granted, it’s not the first topic to come up when dogs meet, but once in awhile, a dog will look a little pained as he walks, and I’ll know that he could be smarting from having his nails clipped. When I first came to live with my humans, having my nails clipped scared me shitless because sometimes it hurt!
When my female human calls my name, and has the clippers in hand, I just tuck my tail between my legs and hang my head. My ears droop and my heart thuds in my ribcage with fear. I used to squeal and cry when she clipped my nails. I’d squirm and thrash. At first she tried to coax me with soft sounds, but it didn’t help. I was still terrified! After awhile, she got frustrated with me, and would just throw her strong thigh across me to keep me in place. I’d quiver and bawl until she was finished. She’d always give me a treat at the end, but it was small consolation for such trauma!
I’ve learned to trust my human, though. It took me years. A long time ago, she drew blood. I howled with pain and fear. I think she realized how much it hurt me. She’s been more careful ever since. I think she’s doing it less often, too. But I just don’t get it. She has to know how much I hate it. Why does she still do it? Durned humans! But, still, I love ‘em to death. I’d be heartbroken without them. So sometimes I just heave a big sigh, sink down into my bed, and count my blessings.
Me, at the end of long...
Ugh, having a bath... I...
In the height of...
This was beore my humans...
Yummy stick!
