Self Interview 11  − 27 March, 2008

You are anxious aren't you ?

Yes I am.

Why ?

Because I have been looking at my dreams with my therapist and I know where things are going.

Oh ?

Hm.

Well..?

Well, the last dream I wrote about in my dream journal I had been kidnapped and nothing I was doing made any difference. This is recurrent in my dreams. Nothing I do makes any difference.

Okay

I woke up knowing that my dreams were about being powerless.

Like with your parents ?

Yes. But mainly what I thought about was when I went through sexual harassment at my old job and nothing I said or did would make him stop. In general, nothing I do or say or scream made any difference in all the times I was raped or abused.

This is what makes you anxious ?

I'm more anguished than anxious, really.

Anguished ?

Telling the therapist about the feeling of powerlessness opened the door for me to finally talk about it, all that happened to me and I still couldn't do it. I felt it was time and knew it was time and I still couldn't. I know I have to talk about it but when I think about those things it makes me feel so angry and sad and helpless.

So you feel anguished about what you feel and knowing you have to talk about it and can't open up ?

Yes.

Is it that maybe you don't trust anyone with what you have to say ?

Maybe. Surely. I am afraid of being blamed about it. I feel everything's my fault.

Why ?

Because.

Because what ?

The police asked me if there was a gun, if I was beaten and stuff and no. There was never any gun, no beating, I wasn't tied. But noone ever understands the fear I was feeling that all those things would happen and that the way I was brought up I knew I had to shut up, close my eyes and not move.

Why was it so frightening ?

Even if I said no or any version of no, the guy would go ahead with it. The more it happened the more I became convinced I would eventually die and when I was abused in my very own library, I did think I was going to die.

Even if the guy had no gun ?

Yes.

How come ?

It happened to me in so many forms...I thought that this time I would die. I would not survive it. I was so afraid. I did want to die, not to live through that again. This fear, it's so powerful. It takes a big place inside and eats everything.

Hm.

You know, I believe in karma and that things come back until we deal with them the right way. I have done things differently every time and it changed nothing. Nothing.

You are angry.

Yes I am !!

Are you angry at yourself ?

YES!

Why ?

I was not strong enough to resist harder, to defend myself. I didn't tell anyone.

It was the way you were brought up. You learned to keep secrets even if it poisoned you and you knew better than to anger the other person.

It doesn't change the fact that I am angry at myself and that I know noone believes me. The police thought that maybe I had sex with my ex-roommate and since I didn't like it I said it was rape. It made me feel dirtier and even more ashamed. I can barely say "rape".

You do have to talk about it. It won't go away if you don't.

But I'm so afraid of being overwhelmed with terror, shame and sadness. I'm afraid I will relive it all and will be caught in my feelings and I will never recover.

You are stronger than that.

People think so. I don't. I think I'm a coward.

But why would you think that after surviving your parents, your Sister, your aggressors ?

Because I could have, should have, would have. I don't go out and mix with people. I can't trust anyone. I can't talk. As much as I want to have a normal life with a boyfriend, a cat and a kid, I can't. I stay holed up inside.

You don't trust anyone ?

No.

Why ?

Nobody listens. They give advice, they think of what they will say next or don't ask how things are going.

You know you could ask them.

I could if I felt like it. But I don't care. People on Dandelife seem more real and interesting than "out there".

How very Seinfeldian of you.

Yes. There is always something...

Don't you trust your therapist ?

I pay her. I don't have to trust her or get attached. In my mind, she has to be there because there is money involved.

Well, she is attached to you.

I know.

Don't you know that for the therapy to work you have to get attached to her ?

I know.

Why don't you trust her more ?

I don't know. I know she could go away, or decide I'm not a good patient and dump me.

How very positive.

Hey, I don't have to be positive. I feel like shit. I barely sleep. I feel like a human waste dump. I will act negative if I feel like it ! Until I can think of better things. Like I usually do.

Okay then. Are you less anguished ?

Kind of. But I still didn't talk about it.

Comments:

peahayes (March 27, 2008. 10:28pm)

It's strange how a community of virtual friends who are strangers in real life can form a sort of support network, isn't it. It's hardly a replacement for a real live network, but in lieu of nothing, it's not bad. We will always be here to listen. Sometimes I wish that I could meet you and some of the other 'lifers, but we all live so far apart. From what little I know about rape, the feelings you've had are not uncommon, and indeed, society does what it can to blame the victim. No one but someone else who has been raped can understand what you are feeling. The one exception is that good therapists are able to treat people who've experience things that they themselves have never experienced. If your therapist is a good one, she will be able to help you if you can learn to trust her. It will take a long time, though. What happened to you cannot be undone easily.

nosecrets (March 28, 2008. 02:32am)

Hey - check out http://www.patientslikeme.com/ - it's a social networking/informational/tracking site. There's an entire area for mood. I just joined today. I entered stuff about my mood for the past 7 days, my meds, therapy, and other symptoms. There's a forum, but I haven't taken a look yet.

Bazookah 5 (March 28, 2008. 12:45pm)

Thank you. I am moved by your words.

Bazookah 5 (March 28, 2008. 12:45pm)

And I will go see that site !

kga245 (March 28, 2008. 05:58pm)

Terry - I must say that I am very happy that you've found support here at Dandelife. Sad as I am that you've lived with this pain, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.