The Teflon frying-pan of Love  − 24 July, 2007

My Sister is pregnant.
I will be an Aunt.

Of course, my mom annouced it to me by email. Palpitations, dizziness, hyperventilation.
Dear God, she could have annouced it by phone instead of :  "Hi, here is the list of VHS tapes I would like to see...we had a nice weekend even if the roads were blocked...ah, and your sister is pregnant, you're going to be an aunt."

Hungh.

My birthdays is coming up and I will be 33. I'm "supposed" to be married and I'm "supposed" to be a mother since...since FOREVER. 
For days this birthday has been a ton of bricks on my shoulders. I accuse my bags of being too heavy but like every year it's my birthday. My neck hurts, my shoulders hurt, my back hurts. I ask myself every year what I will do to celebrate my birth and my life. I would like to hide but no one understands why.

Like every year, my dad won't call. 

Like every year I will be surprised and very happy by the people who do call and I won't mind those who don't. Or I will be surprised that my Exes still call but not some of my friends (who were supposed to be there forever).

And NOW My Sister is PREGNANT. The one who is the most similar to my mom is pregnant. I'm happy because it is cool. But I'm very worried for the baby.

I'm sad for me. It seems I'm in the frying-pan of Love, nothing sticks. Not love, not friendship, not family, not much else. I should see the good things like the cheese that sticks when it gets real hot, but, really, I only see what does not stick.

At 33, I only begin to see what I could be living for. I am beginning to live.

Madame Tremblay said I would be an Aunt. She said other stuff too concerning that. I'm so afraid. I feel lonely. I've been looking at baby names and baby stuff for months. Maybe I knew ? Probably it was the biological clock.

Please God don't make it a Bruce, a Kevin or a Steven ! I hope My Sister won't call the baby Catherine, Kathleen or other forms of my name and I hope he or she doen't look like me !

UNGH.