The Greatest Man I never knew. − 3 June, 2004

while i was asleep on an air mattress in my mother's living room, my cell phone screamed in silence. fucking vibrate mode. i'll never forgive myself for that. calls came to my mother's line. it was 7:30 ante meridian and I had no intension of waking that early while on a trip visiting my hometown.
beep. message machine. you have reached.... leave a message. the operator. emergency call. that's all i could hear. I sat up, immediately awake, jolted by adrenaline. Something is wrong. heart sinking. daddy. i ran to grab my cell. 42 missed calls. 42. 10 x 4 + 2. FOURTY-FUCKING-TWO missed calls. all of them from my father's wife. in that moment I knew. I think i knew when I heard the operator nonchalantly leave a message about an emergency call. I dial the numbers numbly. it rings once. "ann?"

"Michelle, honey.....

your daddy is gone"

and I remember there was a second.. a split second when I thought "gone where?" before the truth settled into my brain like broken glass..

and I dont remember screaming but that's what woke my mother. I dont remember falling to the ground but that's exactly where she found me. on the kitchen floor, my head against the cabinets, guttural cries of pain.

a flurry of phone calls. kaiser hospital. county morgue. organ donation. ann and ann and ann again trying to find out details. he had his last heart attack in bed. 20 years of silent ones killed most of the tissue in his heart. the man lived 2 years with 1/4th the normal human heart function. i thank god for that.

the attack triggered the defibrillator wired into his heart. His last word: 'ouch'

it kept his body alive long enough to transport him to the hospital, but otherwise he was gone.

as I slept, my father got ready for bed, climbed into the covers and drifted off to sleep. in the darkness, the disease in his heart strangled the life out of him. sparks flew down wires and succeeded only in hurting him further. as I dreamt my father was saying ouch into the night. was being given CPR by paramedics.. was being transported to the emergency room. as I slept, his wife tried calling me 42 times and somewhere around the 21st time.. while i dreamt of inane things my father died.

I cursed the sun for shining
and people walking by for talking about the weather
and laughing..
laughing

how dare they laugh. how dare they?
and birds were singing.
car alarms were alarming.
doorbells ringing
televisions blaring
the cacophony of life still singing out into the summer air..
it felt so wrong. so impossible.